What happens when you wake up one morning and don’t recognize where your life has ended up?
What happens when you get where you think you want to go only to realize that, maybe, this isn’t quite where you want to be?
What happens when you start to question the decisions you’ve made that have led you to where you are?
Needless to say, this has been one of those weeks marked by a thousand little disappointments. And you feel like it shouldn’t affect you as much as it has but, at the end of it, it’s amazingly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This week I was asked to be a speaker at a small conference on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Public speaking has become one of m biggest fears, to the point that I get nervous when recording a podcast. I’m talking into a phone and there are endless opportunities to get it right but I still get nervous. I was simultaneously thrilled and petrified to get the invite, but I wanted to do it. I wanted to confront this fear head on in such a way that I would either crash and burn spectacularly or realize that this wasn’t something I should be afraid of.
By the end of the week, our speaker’s department had decided to assign someone else to do the speech. I know I shouldn’t be surprised. But I was. And disappointed. Pretty badly actually.
Part of me doesn’t know what I’m doing anymore, professionally speaking. Well….personally speaking too but that’s a subject for a whole different blog. I’ve been at my job two years and there are parts of it I still love and there are parts of it that still challenge me, but there are parts of it that induce panic attacks or that bore me. What if this isn’t the field for me?
And then there’s the city. The city I adore. The city where I’ve wanted to live for the past decade. The city that exhausts me daily. The city that constantly makes me feel like I’m not good enough, not attractive enough, not ambitious enough. What if this isn’t the city for me?
I have plenty of questions about where I am currently, but nothing even resembling answers. And that, my friends, is the most frustrating part of it all.